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Saturday, January 7, 2012

My faith was strong...

Maybe there’s a Gd above, but all I’ve ever learned from love, was how to shoot at someone who outdrew you.  It’s not a cry you can hear at night, it’s not somebody who has seen the light

It’s a cold and it’s a broken Hallelujah

Maybe this is what I taught my children.  To find within themselves the answers and when they can't, they fail.  I was never one to reach up to a higher self or higher gd because to me, years of praying never brought me what I had been praying for.  Sounds selfish for one with four beautiful children but it's true.  I was never one for blind faith.  Ever.  If I thank Gd for my children, I have to blame him for my losses.  If I thank him for my health, I have to blame him for my cancer.  I could never resolve a place so I decided the strength within my self was enough.  Through the pain of my children who can't find the peace I realize I have failed them.  They can't look beyond themselves...why should they?  I never did.

I see so much of myself in them.  My broken inability to recognize my own weaknesses. 

I said I could never be broken.  I could never give up.  I never would.  Stillborns, chemotherapy, divorce...and yet, the cold and broken cry at night is finally me.

Weakened and broken by circumstance.  Out of the shadows it comes...

It's not a victory's a cold and broken hallelujah.  

I did my best, it wasn't much
I couldn't feel, so I tried to touch
I've told the truth, I didn't come to fool you
And even though it all went wrong
I'll stand before the Lord of Song
With nothing on my tongue but Hallelujah

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