Maybe there’s a Gd above, but all I’ve ever learned from love, was how to shoot at someone who outdrew you. It’s not a cry you can hear at night, it’s not somebody who has seen the light
It’s a cold and it’s a broken Hallelujah
Maybe this is what I taught my children. To find within themselves the answers and when they can't, they fail. I was never one to reach up to a higher self or higher gd because to me, years of praying never brought me what I had been praying for. Sounds selfish for one with four beautiful children but it's true. I was never one for blind faith. Ever. If I thank Gd for my children, I have to blame him for my losses. If I thank him for my health, I have to blame him for my cancer. I could never resolve a place so I decided the strength within my self was enough. Through the pain of my children who can't find the peace I realize I have failed them. They can't look beyond themselves...why should they? I never did.
I see so much of myself in them. My broken soul...my inability to recognize my own weaknesses.
I said I could never be broken. I could never give up. I never would. Stillborns, chemotherapy, divorce...and yet, the cold and broken cry at night is finally me.
Weakened and broken by circumstance. Out of the shadows it comes...
It's not a victory march...it's a cold and broken hallelujah.
I did my best, it wasn't much
I couldn't feel, so I tried to touch
I've told the truth, I didn't come to fool you
And even though it all went wrong
I'll stand before the Lord of Song
With nothing on my tongue but Hallelujah
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