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Monday, March 25, 2013

Looking back

A year ago Passover, I was finishing up radiation. Nursing wounds and scarring that refused to was and the Jews of ancient scripture sharing a similar exodus. A year before that I was facing a showdown with chemo and now, I am alone as my family shares a seder together out of state because cancer has once again, taken control of my life and forced me into submission. I know my son was amazing tonight - I heard he participated beautifully. Ava bought a new dress and Maddie straightened her hair. Livvy has new earrings. It's all so mundane to anyone else. Such an everyday thing you blink past on your way to your next moment but for me, it's a check mark on the laundry list of things I will miss and have missed. Seven surgeries in under three years...I dunno, maybe sitting here crying in the dark alone paints a pretty pathetic picture but I find it somehow ...well yeah it's pathetic. For the most part, I am done. Last surgery, no more treatment and sort of beginning again - kind of timely with spring. Taking this extremely worn down body into the light again and bring it back some peace. Maddie turns 18 this year and Jack starts kindergarten...holy shit who let that happen? It's a pretty amazing feeling to have fought so valiantly and lost so much to be right back where you were in life - no lottery jackpot, no academy award, no the end, we fight like hell to keep the life we always had and when we get it back, we realize how much it meant to begin with. I can't remember a lot of their joyful moments and its a searing pain to know this. But I remember Livvy moving my hair that fell to the floor into the shape of a heart. I remember Maddie's face the day I told her I had cancer...I remember Ava blocking the goal post during a game, in the wind and rain, freezing but fighting like a tiger. I remember Jack telling me I was his girl. It's a selective edit that this memory loss does and as much as I hate it, I have to accept it and live out loud, and on paper, and in digital because I need these memories. I don't really have another opportunity to remember anything so I'm just hanging with what I have. I guess my friend Van said it best. These are the days of the endless summer, these are the days, the time is now, there is no past, there’s only future. There’s only here, there’s only now. So with that I am going to bed to cry some more and then wake up tomorrow and wait by the front window like my dog for any sign of my kids pulling up so I can resume my life - Just wanted to share that I am okay but not fine, recovering but not healed and staying sane in between the insanity. I am however eating very well and better everyday thanks to my amazing group of friends who never let me feel sorry for myself for long. Dear Percoset, come to Mama.