Monday, September 30, 2013
So 45 years ago tomorrow I landed here. Kind of surreal because I came in the hard way...from young parents - pregnancy inducted marriage, stationed in Germany, not sure what the hell they were doing and yet, here I was - quite likely as confused and new as they were. I don't have any real words of wisdom - gd help me if I ever hit the lecture circuit but I do have contentment. Maybe I was chasing this my whole life. The wiggling and fidgeting I did through my childhood trying to find that sweet spot between joy and safety. Having Maddie changed my life. It was the first time I was really and truly terrified. Being responsible for this little thing who signed up with me. Surely the gods must be crazy. Giving this human to one as incompetent as me. Then came the rest of my team, slowly, each reformatting me into something better. Patience. Trust. Confidence. With each child I found within myself a paradigm shift. I was raising them but they were reshaping me. I spent several years shaking in my boots. Not sure of what I was doing, never certain I had it right and certainly lacking any cocktail party smack ability to share my successes...I laid low, under the radar and walked through life with a chair and a whip. I trusted no one. A shifty childhood by a mother who had her own demons and a dad who did the best he knew how to do. I found my way...without parental coordinates and a plan I scraped and clawed and sailed and manipulated through the wild and the sane and arrived somewhere between lost and found. And yet after a miserably failed marriage and the scraped knees of learning, I stood before a justice of the peace in Maryland and promised Joseph I would never stop believing in him or in me. I fell backwards into his arms and never looked back. I knew when I was with him I was 100 different women yet I was more myself than I have ever been. And as I stand looking at 45 years here, I see only one thing. Contentment. Not sure really who Riley is but I have his life. It's a warmth, a safety, a drifting peace that no matter really what happens, I am really good. I've waited my entire life for this. I have everything I need (well, I could use a Keurig) and everyone I want to share it with. As my friend Ronni reminded me - I am not waiting for the good scan. Eating off the good plates, sleeping later when I can, celebrating. My birthday was a day I didn't usually love...not sure why - Dr Freud on Line Two but I can say this year it's different. I am taking it with a side of whipped because I know two things: I want to show my kids how to celebrate themselves and I want to show my kids how to celebrate themselves. I want them to feel wanted and cherished and adored...for those who have no idea what I am saying, mazel tov to your parents on a job well done. And mine too. They made me the bad ass I needed to be to kick Cancer's ass. So to my husband, sleep well and eat well, I'm not ready to leave you for at least another 50 years and to my children, I celebrate you today. I am here and content and joyful because of you and how you made me better. So Happy Birthday to me. and Happy Re-birthday to me. I mean come on, anyone can be born, right?