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Sunday, November 20, 2011

Breaking Dawn...

So this is really the deal.  I have my new juicer/blender/pulvarizer and I am up on my green smoothies...three down, all good, feeling vegan.  I am removing as much processed food and sugar as I can without being an obnoxious tree hugging paper eater and I am adding Bikram Yoga to my repertoire.  Tonight was my second shot at it and I am proud to say, I still suck but I didn't pass out so this is a good thing.  My friend Amy Gold - for those who don't know her - is among my most down to earth friends.  She is as real as it gets and you either love it or you hate it and I love it.  She is, however, very intimidating to do hot yoga with because she's a very sexy sweater and makes each pose look like she was born doing it where I am a hot, sloppy mess behind her trying not to pass out with the grace and eloquence of an elephant on roller skates, but I digress...

As it begins I unravel my mat to see SMITH emblazoned across the top next to butterfly stickers and realize, I have Olivia's resting mat from kindergarten.  I make it work but Amy has no part of that and retrieves a spare one from her car (who carries TWO yoga mats?  Amy does.)  Shortly into the session, I am smokin' my breathing down, looking good, a little glisteny and posing like a champ.  But what is that smell???  10 minutes later, not so much...breathing getting harder, sweat pouring into my eyes, posing not quite as elegant but I am hanging in there.  30 mins in, Amy is giving me the countdowns...5 more poses...okay I can do his except 5 more yoga poses is like 10 more football minutes.  It's never what it sounds like and at 110 degrees, in five more poses I can expect to be a puddle of toxic waste on the floor.  At some point in a very bent over move, my prosthetic breast drops out and rolls onto the floor...  Now I can add humiliation to my heaving and dehydrating and my friend Amy lovingly reminded me that if she had seen it, she would have laughed her ass off.  See what I mean?  You love it or you hate it...I love it, even then.  What is that smell???  Now I'm about an hour in and I am a pile on the floor.  Trying to breath without passing out...instructor said through your nose - WHAT?  If I could cut a hole in my neck to bring in more air, I was willing - through my nose, whatever.  I bury my face in my towel covered mat and I realize that smell I had been smelling for an hour was MINE.  Someone or something had peed on my towel and it has dried so in 110 degrees, hot urine is wafting up my face and I am obsessed with people who are right up on me (really crowded class) thinking the boob chucker peed her pants.  So my chi is gone, my yoga buzz has been replaced with wondering which of my two preschoolers or two dogs peed and never told me or even better, how did it wind up in my linen closet, folded disguised a laundered towel???

Okay so now I am really losing it...I'm over an hour in, in sitting poses, watching the lotus that is Amy who is signaling to me only two more...liar.  Two more before we start the breathing and that sucks because I can't breathe how I want - I have to do this Lamaze thing that causes my boob to jiggle and slide over to the other one across my now sopping chest.  Lights are brought's a sign we are now ending.  Oh my gd it's nearly over.  Now we are laying gd we really are done.  90 minutes.  Holy shit I did it.  Nice man brings me a frozen lavender's the moment, the feng shui of yoga - I have arrived - I am buried beneat this frozen goddess of linen.  Cool air is coming in, I am done.  I can't move, I am now half liquid but I am done.

Hobble to the car and make plans to meet Amy again on Tuesday.  What the hell...



  1. You ROCKED it! It took me a solid twenty classes to stop wishing someone (else) would pass out so we could stop class. And that teacher was MEAN! Tuesday will be so much easier (and hopefully with 50% less urine)

    I am sorry I missed the boobie falling out, but we'll always have nipple tattoos!

    Keep it up. You're already the strongest woman I know! xoxo, Amy

  2. OMG! Dawn you are amazing! I wish that you lived here in California because you are so "my kind of people!" I just signed up to take my first Bikra Yoga class and have been putting it off for weeks now because I am scared. But now after reading this, I am ready! Thank you for always being an inspiration to me.