Footballs...

I have heard it said the longest nine months of any woman's life is the pregnancy after a miscarriage...the same can be true for routine medical exams. Last week my breast surgeon found a lump in my lymph nodes. The normal answer is it must be infection - the post cancer reaction is MRI and biopsy. And the waiting...I spent five days in this hell with a husband in Korea fluctuating back and forth between it's nothing to writing my will. There is no cure for metastatic breast cancer. If this lump was from my breast cancer, I am offered anywhere from 3-5 years to live. No cure. It rings in my head often...used to be daily but maybe I'm more numb to it now. So I give in to the weekend. A blessed sore throat hit me on Saturday bringing a bit of calm...maybe THAT'S the lump??? An infection? Never prayed for strep before but I was on it. Then Monday came and after a series of scans, I am fine...no lump. And the discussion begins about moving forward with my next surgery, now scheduled for Sept 24. Barely enough time to recover from the almost bad news, I learn a few things. The radiation burns were so bad they cannot recover the skin. The good news is I can still reconstruct, the bad news is no guarantee they will match in size or cosmetics. Frankenboobs I suppose. They have to remove lat muscle from my back to rebuild what will be a taut, firm breast on one side - almost shaped like a football and the other, a normal looking breast. Um...seriously these are my options? A FOOTBALL?? I share this news with Joseph who always knows what to say - he loves football...and he's sorry. He's sorry because he knows at 44 I have a lot of life left to live and shouldn't have to do it with elephant manish physique. Quite crudely, I think after two years of cancer treatment, I deserve a nice rack. The answer is always the same...at least you cut the cancer out. Yeah...at least. And in this draconian method of poison, burns and cutting I should find the silver lining, and I will. I am happy to be alive, happy to be without cancer and happy to be almost done but deep inside I am still a girl who gave up her breasts to survive. No one can say I didn't give it everything, right?