A couple of ladies were discussing happy marriages in the elevator (we women can talk anywhere) and I overheard one say it's about communication. The other objected and said its "totally about commitment". My old rabbi used to say it's about attraction. Can't communicate or commit to someone you aren't attracted to. Well I can't speak for others and with one divorce under my belt can hardly take to the lecture circuit but I can say what has worked for me and Joseph and it's vision. It's the curious way I look the other way when he's ten minutes late...everytime. I have become an expert on the diverted glance away from the clock. Okay so a few times I might tap my foot or sigh heavily but really, I am just releasing. Kinda like an over inflated tire.
When I wear his socks (okay I do but I can't help it...I just like them) and he brings it up, every freakin' time, almost as if he's irritated but not entirely...vision. I remember when I was really sick, he put those very socks on my feet while I was sleeping. I never told him I knew he did that but I recall it often. He calls me a blanket hog and shares stories of him riding the edge of the mattress at night as I take to the center of our king size bed as though I'm commandeering the SS Smith and yet, I know when the nights are cold, I can feel him covering me up. I see that through the jokes...Vision.
The night I had my mastectomy surgery I woke to find him curled up in a chair, in the PAC U post surgical unit, asleep, after telling the nurse he wasn't leaving me regardless of hospital rules about post op. I see that moment in my mind when he's scooting me over at night complaining about having no room.
So for me...it's vision. It's being able to see those moments admist all the chaos that is our life. It's never being crazy at the same time. It's learning that hindsight isn't always 20/20 and wearing corrective marital lenses are as important as wedding bands...commitment is lovely, communcation is necessary and attraction is critical but in the end, if I can walk around in his socks and he can be ten minutes late and we may find that irritating beyond belief (and I do), I can close my eyes and see the guy who never lets me get cold and realize I am more at home than I have ever been and then I look the other way.
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